My mom died when I (27f) was 7 after a lot of health issues following the birth of my younger sister (20f). My dad pawned us off on his family members for a few years after mom’s death, but refused the help of anyone from mom’s family since he knew they would offer to take us in (which they did) if they were doing the parenting and he basically took us home for him to be fun time dad. His family didn’t mind helping for a while but once they got tired of it he found a woman to marry and he let her take over instead. During all of this he was doing his best to limit the contact we had with mom’s family and because he let them see us, they didn’t have a case for legal grandparents visitation, but we were lucky to see them once a year and he didn’t even like me talking to them on the phone.
I was 10 when he remarried. But he only knew her a couple of months before they got married and he moved her in two weeks before the wedding which is when he pawned us off on her. She told me and my sister who was 3 at the time that she was our new mom and she was going to take care of us now. I got mad and yelled at her and said she wasn’t my mom. She told me I didn’t have to feel that way right now but eventually I’d see she was our new mom and I couldn’t stop it. I yelled some more and stormed off.
That was the start of me hating that woman for insisting she was my new mom. She used to try and touch me all the time and I’d get mad and yell at her and I slapped her hands away so many times. She was always trying to get hugs from me because she even said it was a sign we were bonding. The two of us got into more fights once I turned 12 and refused to acknowledge her when she was trying to talk to me and hug me. It pissed her off and it pissed me off that she wouldn’t leave me alone and she’d always tell me not to ignore my mom.
My dad stayed totally out of it. He was still playing Disney Dad or fun time dad. He showed up to take us places but for any actual parenting or support he wasn’t around and when I tried to get support from him he told me “talk to your mom”.
I used to tell my sister about our mom and my dad’s wife hated it. She said it was my attempt to alienate my sister from her and we’d fight about it. She always said it was disrespectful to her as our mom now. It led to more fights and I must have wished her d*_ad hundreds of times from the age of 15 to 17, when things got really tense and high conflict. Eventually I just left and moved in with my maternal grandparents. I was 17 and not even a senior yet but I was miserable and my sister clearly loved dad’s wife and accepted her as her mom so it felt like I had no good reason to stay. She was getting put in the middle for loving us both and I just couldn’t be around that woman anymore. I think we were getting to the point where a fight would have turned physical.
I haven’t seen or spoken to my dad or that woman since. Contact with my sister was extremely limited until a couple of years ago. We’re not very close and our differences are huge not just because of the 7 year age gap but due to the family stuff. She’s totally disconnected from mom’s side and I can’t stand the woman she calls mom. But we have a relationship.
My paternal grandparents had said they were understanding of my feelings and they claimed to support me. Until I got engaged that is and then they started mentioning reconciliation and when I sent out save the dates a few weeks ago and didn’t include my dad or his wife, they outright asked me why I hadn’t reached out to apologize to her and why I didn’t show any sign of remorse for my teenage actions. They said my hostility toward her terrorized the house and that I put her in a really bad position as the mom of the house. I asked where this came from after years of supporting me and they told me they believed supporting me as an older teen and younger adult would lead me to see that I was wrong. They told me they expected me to regret throwing away the chance at having a second mom and treating her worse than a criminal for trying to be the mom I didn’t have anymore. They said my hatefulness toward the woman willing to raise us was crazy high and they assumed through the therapy I have been attending as an adult I would see that.
I told them nothing would make me take the blame like that when she insisted she was my new mom when she wasn’t. I told them they were also wrong for the new mom stuff. I said you don’t replace a parent when they d*_e. They said not replace but add one to fill the missing space. I said you don’t even do that unless you’re really young like my sister. I said I have a mom and she may be d*_ad, she may not have finished raising me, but she is the only woman who would ever get that title and insisting on sharing that title was never going to endear me to someone. They said they didn’t think it was a big enough cr*_me to be treated like I treated her. They said the only wrong they saw was her trying to force physical contact but they also said I was too harsh when I would sl*_p her hands away.
I told them I didn’t agree and they looked disappointed but they also told me they could not understand me. They said a good person should be able to see how wrong I was and feel remorse for it. AITAH?