I have been divorced from my ex-husband for a little over five years. Our separation was very challenging for me and for our two children, who are now 11 and 9. We did not end things on good terms, and at the time of the divorce I learned about several personal issues involving him that made it impossible for me to continue the relationship.
Over the years, I discovered that he had children from previous relationships that I was not aware of during our marriage. These situations were complicated, and I chose not to be involved, as they were matters that did not concern me directly. I have never met those children, nor have I had any communication with their families.
My ex-husband currently cares for several of his children, and two of them live with him full-time. I am not informed about his involvement with the others, but I know they are part of his life.
When it comes to our own children, he sees them one weekend a month. He often tries to organize activities for all of us together, but I prefer to keep our interactions strictly focused on the kids. We are no longer a couple, and I believe it is healthier to maintain clear boundaries.
Despite everything, I have remained on good terms with his parents. They love their grandchildren and spend time with them. Recently, however, a disagreement came up. They suggested that it would be good for the children if everyone came together for Christmas — including my ex-husband and whichever children he might have with him that day. They encouraged me to host the gathering so we could “function like one big family.”
I respectfully declined. I explained that such a gathering could create confusion for my children, who might think there is a chance for their parents to reunite. I also believe it could place unnecessary emotional pressure on them, especially if past issues between their father and me surface.
A holiday gathering like this would also require me to take on responsibilities that I am not comfortable with, such as preparing gifts for children I do not know and managing a group dynamic that might be complicated for everyone involved.
From my perspective, keeping Christmas simple and peaceful is the best option for my kids. They deserve a calm holiday without mixed messages or tension.
So now I’m wondering:
Does my refusal make me a bad person?
I truly feel that maintaining healthy boundaries is the most supportive and stable choice for my children.